#but also bcs of tht i have been like pretty much not online at all bcs if im Fucked Up im not putting anything on the dash

[elliscousland]

hello! i have been absent the last few days due to the holiday & having my hands full with family & friends. it's been pretty fantastic honestly but it's left me with not a whole lot of time left over for tumblr or online things. i am setting some time aside this morning to clean & maybe write as a treat & hopefully recharge my brain some!

[kulliare]

yippeeee the dices

[jacobied]

hm.

jade lore lol cw abuse, suicide. this is so rambly and will make no sense probably

having a. quiet panic attack rn lol. been thinking about how isolated ive been for the past like...15 yrs. which is kind of insane to say lol i live in dt toronto and im online all the time

i dont think my parents used isolation as a tactic they like were not smart enough for tht lol ! it was just like a natural consequence w how much we fucking moved bc we were poor (like once every year and a couple times even in the middle of the school year)

the only people i saw consistently even through all the moves were my parents and their friends and their two daughters. i kiiind of grew up w them, we lived in like different parts of ontario and i only saw them like 3-4 times a year, but they stayed in the periphery of my life even through all of our moves. and then one of them outed me to my mom

ive never been good at keeping in touch w people not even w my own family. all my family except for my dad lives in china and they speak a language i barely know. my dads been abusive since i was in like grade school and even before the abuse got bad tm we barely ever talked to each other. i never see my mom but when i do shes also abusive ft their comically shitty divorce era. so isolation was always sucky reality but a safe one idk. i didnt have parents to support me but at least when they left me alone i didnt have to worry about getting hit or screamed at lol

all that just. built into a pattern of me fucking up any kind of social support/health i manage to build every couple of years. there were like a couple months in hs and college where i'd be completely nonverbal and like... complete shut down bc of how depressed and suicidal i was. i had no idea why it was happening and everyone thought i was mad at them but the idea of existing and taking up space froze me

i've deleted and remade my tumblr before, my instagram twice now bc it felt like i was killing myself. the longest standing sm i've had thats actually also gotten me to where i am in my career is twitter so ofc that seems to be the app swandiving into hell lollll

im like trying, working on better coping mechanisms and i think im doing better lately. but theres still this deep aching loneliness thats been building up frm over a decade tht im reckoning w bc the brain fog is lifting.

i straight up didnt know my mind could feel so clear if that makes sense? but im also just feeling the brunt of All Of This pretty head on now and its super overwhelming and idk. its like im so far behind in my life compared to everyone i know. also bonus Gender Thoughts and relationships thoughts and an ex who said she loved me and it just didnt feel real bc i didnt feel real

all this + just the constant worry of my industry and my career crashing down around me and how i literally have no back up plan lol. my back up plan for the longest time was to just die. i want to stop feeling like i have to kill parts of myself i want to live to be w my friends and i really want to pitch my ogn. im so excited about all that but it feels so abstract and far away

[aphrorite]

-ˏˋ sweetheart diaries ˊˎ- #3 !! 🌸💗🍥

૮₍ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ₎ა ♡༘

⋆ ✧₊ﾟmay 14th 2022 🍧🌺🦩 ⊹ɞ

yawwwwn. hi diary! its 1 am but im writing bebauc i feel liek it ! 💤 🌥

︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶

today wa s a good day, you known? i id idnt do much bt ,, i neeed ed this saturyda so then tmr i can go wam ham on my homeworks. it wwass soooooo sunny nand iw anted to go for a walk twic but onyl got chanc to go for 1, and i wore a super duper pretty polka dot black dress and i had matchin black polka dot flip flops to go w it ! i wore a stra w hat too when iw ent outside cos ir was so hot out. i felt pretty and also very comfy. i woek eup around 10 as well so im happy baout that because usually i wake up late later hehe. 😝

SEEEE !!! dress n flip flop magch tehehe. this phtoo taken on my walk! 🩰🌟✨

i ha d last night nugget for breakfast n then i had some OJ! ir emember seienf a post tht had “drink som milk or OJ” and usually aft i et breakfas id hav like agua so OJ was new <3

i had a bit of a moment whehr iw d trying to flshh the toluet n then THE FLOORW ENT 💥BOBOB 💥MBO💥 BBOON 💥 BOOOM 💥 n lke rumbled ))): i call my sister hpstair and she tell me to ring mom so then mam say 2 t ur n the water off on it bc mybe she didnt turn it all the way n then it wasnt rumble no more . this cos we got a new toilet n also hav plumbing leak problem , house old !

i made som goodnote schedule for msyelf instead of using google spreadhddeg so this eman that i cna get more productiv again ! i havent done so in 3 months so i thin ktnis is my turning point , yeah, go me ! *imaginary pat*

i spen t some tiw w my ssiter playin project sekai , sims 4 (i revamp her chars, ) walk w my siste routside n found a pretty pink flower , my cat just giving him cuddles n lettinghim enjoy the f reshh air, browose shopping for a teensy bit, listneed to blackspeakz on youtube, made a regressing plylsit, and msootly chilled !

i also played alittleeee bit of roblox and made some softlien clothing ! im proud of msyelf because yesterday my crwiagons werent up to par. i wantned to hangout w my one acquaintance but he wasnt online , so thts ok ! here is what i buot in sims 4 when my ssuter let me use computer when she went sleep,

my othwr cfriend msged me this morning on dizzy n it made merlly happy cos he acc show up in my dream last night )): n it wa sa happy dream , so then for him to send me a dm saying “wakey wakey!” n i see it in the morning , i feel is coincidence ! 😵😮😮

i also feel like agedre n half regressing has helped talk to myself more positively. its very difficult to talk to myself like a friend so when i talk to myself like an encouraging sweet parent, it works. im more softer and i embrace my sensitivity, and i think this in all will help me ! of course i still feel the shame of it not being the norm or still have my negative intrusive thoughts, and i know my intrusive thoughts arent something i can necessarily 'delete' or 'remove,' and are something to tame, though i think agedre is a big baby step towards a healthy coping mechanism, as even so back then my self-talk has never been very positive, and even when i was positive, id beat myself down constantly (and still struggle with this), and that positivity would lean towards toxic. im proud of myself. <3

anyway, i did lot selfcare and followd my goodnote scheduule , and tmr i make to do list for homeworks. tmr i shoul make foods, b productiv, and sleep on time !!!! hav good day diary, muwah muwah 💕

p.s it also rained today ! 🌧🌧🌧

╭┈─────── urs truly, ࿐ ˊˎ-

╰┈➤ sweetheart xx

[i-just-want-to-destroy]

TW: suicide, self harm

I’m sorry to hear about all this strange hate you’ve been getting on retry (especially the Mineta defender; that was bananas). As someone who’s had an extra strong resurgence of suicidal ideation and self harming behavior, it’s kind of been the perfect vent fic for me. It was a recent find, and although I’m awful at leaving comments and whatnot, I appreciate that it exists.

I hope you continue it and continue to share it online with us despite everything, but I also know how negative comments can outweigh pretty much every positive thing people might have said about your work until you get discouraged enough to just stop altogether. So yeah. Thanks for writing it and posting it (and your other works), and even though I hope you continue retry, I completely get why you may stop since I did the same with my own writing seven-ish years ago.

Thank you

Im not surprised its getting hate bc im making an entirely different point from the og material n i think its already starting to show. tht being said Im always happy whenever anyone says they can connect with the fic, or if the fic helps them.. feedbacks like this is the reason i keep writing it. I meant the fic to be cathartic when i started it n i know that wont hit the mark with everyone, but when it does, thats all i want. 

thanks for taking the time to tell me this and thank you for sharing with me. hope you’ll feel better soon. it’ll pass. it always does. 

[ao3-sucks]

my own ao3 experience was that i got into it when i was in a huge fandom that had a bunch of underage and incestuous pairings and fics. i really started getting into it when i was like fresh into middle school and not soon after that id start reading a bunch of explicit fics. basically pretty sure reading that stuff is what made me feel anxious around my 2 older siblings and like if i showed any kind of affection like even a hug or just laughing at a joke sometimes itd be seen as a sign of attraction. im in my 20s now and it still really affects me. i feel like less valid with my online trauma somehow bc i did it to myself lol.

  Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

I got manipulated by an adult into writing an extremely triggering fic about rape and abuse between two young siblings, and ended up having to draw on my own traumatic experiences for it. I pretended to be okay with it, and let them say it was my fault it was like that, and when I finally got tired of hiding it and publicly called them out on it, multiple people defended them, using that pretense against me. I still haven't fully recovered from that. Sometimes I wonder if it really was my fault. 

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

thank you SO MUCH for this blog, I was groomed into thinking the wildest of things were acceptable by fandom people, and it wasnt until i was about 15 or 16 that i finally wised up and dropped the thinking once and for all. thank you again and have a really good week!

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

I don’t really know how old the post that talked about the experience of one of the mods with ao3 is, but just in case, this is about that post that had mentions of r//pe and @“cest. And damn, I’ve never stopped to think that my aversion to sex maybe came from my early exposure to that kind of stuff, now I know that I’m asexual, but it’s comforting to see that I’m not alone in this, so thank you for sharing your story

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

god this is probably stupid and you dont have to post this if you don't want to, but thank you so much for making this page. ive had similar experiences in online fandom and ive really struggled with classifying any of it as "real" since it was all online. that post talking about your experience with everything was really eye opening for me. thank you for reminding me im not alone.

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

wrt your ao3 essay // thank you for sharing your story about ao3. ive had some similar experiences, but i never interacted with anyone on ao3, just read ff. in around a 1-2 years of consuming that content, i had developed some psychosis relating to sexual trauma, but i never had anything happen to me so i didnt really know what to think. i was just scared. its nice to know that.. it wasnt just random? that more people are talking about this? something like that. thank you. i hope you are well.

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

i just read through your experiences and while i was never really involved with fanfiction during my childhood, i WAS exposed to plenty of other weird interactions on other sites starting probably as early as 11  and just realized that me starting to use the internet more probably coincides with me showing similar things such as starting to hate being touched and consider myself asexual/sex repulsed. it was nothing that i'd considered to be that impactful or big a deal before and there weren't really specific people to blame, but i definitely don't know how to feel about this knowledge now.

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

just read that post abt your ao3 experience and holy fuck, so sorry you had to go through that. but also, thank you. its scary to think tht ive cldve been in the same situation since i was browsing the internet from a v young age. i was huge into roleplaying and thereve been a few times where it became, uuh... not completely sfw (unknowingly to me, i just wanted to rp). but the moment it became too weird, i ghosted n blocked (i had a very anti-internet-stranger policy). again, thanks. take care

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

I was 12 when I got my first ship. I got into it because of the cute art online and I never once thought about it being bad. It was pedophilic amongst other things. I just started writing fic, so I wrote for this ship. I was asked to write straight up human AU "porn where xyz is a pedo" by people far older than me. I didn't know any better, I wrote it and every other request like it. It go so bad that I though that pedophilia was OKAY. It took me so long to unlearn that and many other things because of that ship and I still feel bad for ever having shipped it. So when people say things like "fiction doesn't effect reality" it makes me mad. It teaches little kids that things like pedophilia and rape are okay.

I opted to answer these as a group because they are all so similar. It breaks my heart how often I get anons, post replies, and reblogs about my AO3 essay from people saying that my experiences closely mirrored theirs. I hope that everyone who has sent me these messages can forgive themselves for what happened to them, and know that it’s not your fault that other people decided to take advantage of you. I’m working on healing, and I hope you can all do the same.

- Mod Daft

[clvmtines]

welcome aboard, clementine martinez, student #2. we are excited to set sail with you !  has anyone told you that you look like alexa demie? according to our records, you hail from florida, usa, prefer she / her pronouns, are a cis woman, and are here to study creative writing. we also see you received a spot on the ss university because of your online lottery win — we won’t tell anyone. during your first few weeks here, other students said you were + charming, + free-spirited, but also - restive. it sounds like you spend most of your time at the billiards room. upon checking your luggage, we noticed you packed a casino chip carried around for luck from home. hopefully your roommates don’t steal it!

hi friends! i’m very excited to be here. i’m jay (est, she/her) n i used to play astrid nyland a few months ago if anyone remembers bt i had to leave for personal reasons. i’m so glad to be back now that i hve life sorted and some free time for summer break <3 read on for some details abt this new muse of mine, clementine. 

01. biography !

so ! clementine was born in florida. & yes, her real name is clementine. her mom thot it was the cutest name idea ever. clementine mostly goes by clem. she comes from the town [redacted] in florida bcoz i am too lazy to look up a specific town <3 but alas ! it was swampy and humid and she lived in a trailer park. 

her parents got knocked up at nineteen. clem was born nine months after a particularly wild 1999 fourth of july. her birthday is march 26th and she’s an aries. 

(TW: addiction, child injury) clem’s dad was a gambling addict and petty criminal—he wld steal credit cards n whatnot. he wld gamble away diaper money n it would cause constant fighting until her dad finally left. her mom took this very hard n began drinking a bit too often, leaving clem to to make cereal for dinner n fend for herself. once clem tried to make hot dogs on the stove and spilled boiling water on herself. got a p bad burn on her arm/shoulder and still has a big scar.

the soundtrack of her childhood was cicadas buzzing and stray dogs barking. the sizzle and pop of natty light cans. turning up her ipod to max volume to drown out the sounds of her mother fighting with her new boyfriend.

throughout her upbringing, clem’s dad was always in and out of the picture. he’d blow into town when he hit it big. he’d take her on these little “adventures” like staying in a motel 6 n renting movies at block buster n ordering good pizza nt the dominos shit she ate with her mom lol. ofc he was charging it all to someone’s stolen credit card. he’d always promise to, like, take clem away. n clem was a daddy’s girl so she believed him. the last time it happened was her h.s. graduation. her mom didn’t show ( "overslept” after a bender ) but her dad did and surprised her n said everything wld be different. bt then he bailed on their plans for the next day n when she called his cell, the number was disconnected. tht was the defining “i’m done” moment. clem promised to never be disappointed by her father again.

(TW: racism) her mother has mexican ancestry and clem’s always been called her twin. but clem was raised in a predominately white area and honestly ?? it was really hard without her even realizing it. she’s still unpacking a lot of things today abt her youth that jst weren’t okay bt she thought were normal. like microaggressions, stereotypes, being fetishized by boys in high school. gross shit.

as a kid, clem was rumored to be really poor bc she wore tattered clothes n got free lunch at school. once she invited a friend to her house & the next day they told everyone it’s in a trailer park. that reputation—the “trailer park girl”—was really hard to shake. and clem got almost desperate to shake it. she was endlessly trying to set her old self on fire and emerge from the ashes like a phoenix.

eventually clem became more “popular”. in school she was, like, a straight b student. very average although super creative and quick-thinking. she always had street smarts. problem solving skills. independence. more of, like, practical intelligence as opposed to book smarts because academia bores her tbh. she was like why am i reading these overrated boring books by dead white men or learning abt polynomials when i know nothing abt how to pay a mortage or do taxes. like...she saw the american education system as bullshit and put in modest effort because she didn’t believe it deserved her sweat and tears. 

however, she entered the online lottery for the seas program on a whim and got in. so she’s studying creative writing now.

02. personality !

first thing you shld know abt clem is that she’s a compulsive liar essentially—she tells various stories to make her life seem better than what it was. to one person, she’s an heiress to a real estate company and grew up wealthy. to the next she was raised by nomadic hippies. some of her lies are small fibs while others are grandiose tales. she rarely talks about her actual upbringing. she hates talking abt her family or the v real trauma of growing up in a household where both parents struggled w/ addiction; the uncertainty, the broken promises, the fact that she had to grow up so soon and deal w/ so much. it wasn’t fair, and if she thinks about it too much, she feels this anger. anger at the universe. anger at her circumstances. she doesn’t know where to put this anger. she doesn’t know how to shrink it. so she avoids it.

despite her rough upbringing, though, clem is actually really sweet and kind. she’s adventurous, fun-loving, free-spirited, and bold. 

bt ! she can also be closed-off, competitive and restive. 

she’s seemingly tight with everyone? like she’s jst that girl who can get along with anyone tbh. 

in her spare time you can catch her tanning by the pool, hanging at the bar, playing pool ( which she learned from her dad ), and socializing. she’ll never say no to hanging out with people. 

she learned a lot from her little “adventures” with her dad, who was very good at conning others and often involved her in his dumb little scams. clem is suuuper good at pulling the ‘im baby 🥺’ card to get what she wants.

she can be a little selfish, because she grew up looking out for herself. 

stubborn and dogmatic as hell !!!

she doesn’t do too many relationships but when she does fall, i imagine she falls hard and fast. she refuses to be made a fool of, tho. when she gets vulnerable she flashes back to being a kid, waiting all day for her dad to show up only to have him bail on her. again. she hates that feeling. so if she, like, senses a shift in someone’s energy she’ll b like, “i’ll break up with u before u can do it to me” and the person wasn’t even tryna dump her lmao.

has a lot of sex. too much ?? sex?? mayb. but she’s v sex positive.

her personal style is v late 90s. hair clips, big scrunchies, neon, fur trim, crop and tube tops, hoop earrings, chokers, patterns, platform shoes, biodegradable glitter cuz it’s good fr the earth *winks*. clothes from o-mighty.......actually jst google o mighty, pull up the images and That is clem. she dresses like a bratz doll. she’s dedicated to the aesthetic.

03. headcanons !

her item brought from home is a hot pink poker chip from a casino. her dad gave it to her. he said it reminded him of her because of the color; he got it during one of his winning streaks and said it was lucky. she has a complicated relationship w/ her dad n doesn’t even speak to him anymore, bt she will never go anywhere without it.

she’s a smol bean—only 5′4

an astrology girl and she reads palms ! she absolutely makes astrology tik toks that people only watch because she’s hot. her flirting technique is to ask you to read your palm.

she doesn’t typically drink to get drunk. but she does love a good sugary cocktail. to her, a drink is like an accessory. a blue fishbowl by the pool, a jack and coke as she stands around a bar. usually she'll nurse the same beverage for a while. if you see her wasted it usually means she’s going thru it emotionally lol. the one thing she does do is drugs tho 

pretty much listens to exclusively female artists.

a bit of an activist. environmentalism, feminism and the like, she’s v outspoken. vegan for ethical reasons (TW: drugs) bt still does cocaine. she wears shirts with ‘my pussy my choice’ bedazzled on the front.

loves to rollerblade ! back home she didn’t have a car so she’d bike or rollerblade. now she still has her blades and she’ll use them when the ship docks. 

03. wanted connections !

Friends, bffs, ride or dies, friends who are like siblings to her, maybe a friend with an unrequited crush on either side ??

an ex she dumped/cheated on/otherwise self sabotaged their relationship because she was afraid of vulnerability.

an ex friend who realized she lies a lot abt herself n felt betrayed. OH ! ESP if they opened up to her on many occasions abt intimate, personal stuff. imagine the betrayal they felt when they found that everything they thought they knew abt clem is a lie.

someone who she actually opens up to. a confidant. or, maybe, like, a stranger she drunkenly spilled her soul to and now she avoids them like the plague.

a rival. clem can be competitive.

her drug dealer 

someone she knows she shouldn’t hook up with and… does it anyways. like a friend’s ex or smthing. spicy <3

i welcome anything !

[enamored4]

ok i need 2 do a little rant here because 🙄🙄🙄 basically this guy on discord started hitting me up a while ago (he started messaging me around last november) and i only recently “fell” for him after realizing tht we share music and movie tastes and he sounded super nice and stuff. i was tipsy one day and called him a soulmate which i highly regret now. later he basically told me he was into me and i reciprocated and we started talking more, even video chatting a few times, and the most recent time we video chatted i got pretty high and spilled my guts, telling him about some of my deepest thoughts (my yearning for love, ideas on marriage/sex, my loneliness, etc.). basically i made myself extremely vulnerable, and this was only about a week after he told me he’s into me... way too soon, huh? i was hella flirty to him that night in a voice call w our friends, telling everyone i’d date him and that i think he’s cute and shit. surprisingly he did not stop talking to me after this and ig i should mention that he has a really good memory and remembers things i say which is like literally a bare minimum thing but since no guy ive talked to before has made an effort to actually listen to me it felt surreal and beautiful. now at this point i am thinking “wow, he actually is into me” but i was so stupid bc this is just fucking DISCORD and it’s likely not serious to him. he’s probably hitting up other ppl and like that’s totally normal and cool and what i would do too if i were actually acquainted with normal relationships/intimacy etc. but i lost my fucking cool because this felt so new and refreshing to me, when it[s JUST DISCORD. holy shit, i am so embarrassed........

to add fuel to the fire every time i would try to talk to him normally i would just go off into absurd tangents and say actual dumb shit and i was getting suuuuper self-conscious even tho i know im a queen. i could not act normal, period. i did the most childish thing ever a couple nights ago and msgd him like “omggg sry idk how to talk to guys xD plz tell me if i am annoying” and he didn’t reply even tho he was online. i got so fucking embarrassed at this that i deleted my entire side of our chatlog which dates back to like 2019 and then he asked me what was wrong on snap, acknowledging the message i’d sent (which means he’d ignored it). this made me super depressed which led me to overshare to him about my depression and then i realized that now he probably thinks im some psycho crazy bitch. i even deleted discord and snap out of embarrassment  *(but also mainly bc i was spending too much time on those things)

dudes like i fucking regret this so much. i should have never shared all those things with him which gave me a false sense of intimacy. i was obviously wayyy more into him than he is into me (though i thought otherwise since he’d been messaging me since last yr and i was always dismissive w my responses until just a couple wks ago). i know it;s literally not that serious sounding to anyone reading this but i genuinely felt like i’d met a soulmate. while i am annoyed at myself for being so naive and thinking this was something magical, i also realize tht i did nothing wrong and it’s normal to act stupid in front of ppl u like at first. if anything this has been a learning experience for me and now i will not give two shits about eboys who hit me up.  tbf this guy was nice and wanted to make sure i was ok so i honestly have nothing against him but also when he did not reply to my cringey childish message mentioned earlier it made me feel really fucking terrible about myself so yeah

also i h8 when guys take more than 5 mins to respond to msgs and on snap i was opening every message almost instantly or like a few minutes later while he took up to 30 mins sometimes and it was annoying sigh.... another detail that made me realize i was more into him than he was into me. ANYWAYS SOMEONE PLEASE COMFORT ME I AM SO EMBARRASSED THAT IVE LET AN EBOY MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY

[yrbutchgf]

I recently started coming to terms with being butch, and just… thank you. It’s really nice to see butch blogs that aren’t lesbian (not that they’re bad, but sometimes it feels like “don’t follow if you’re not exclusively WLW”). And thank you for all your posts about being butch. They make me smile, and hopefully I can feel more comfortable being myself and trusting that this is who I am and how I want to be. It’s so nice to see other people who already do that. I hope you have a nice day ✨

P.S. were there any things that helped you when you were realizing you were butch?

P.P.S. I’m worried about how I worded this, but I mean it well

aw, you phrased it fine. it is a pretty narrow slice of tumblr that discuses butch/femme outside of a strictly wlw context, which is absolutely fine and im glad tht content exists to begin with, but it does definitely also make it difficult for, for example, butch mlm, or butches and femmes who are both men and women at the same time (e.g. bisexualgender or bigender people) to find content that's geared toward them. i get it, and im glad my presence on this site is helping you feel more comfortable in being you! im very lucky for all my bi mutuals who've made me feel comfortable posting about butch & bi things over the past year. up until recently, i haven't really been the op of any posts about bi butchness, just sort of been figuring myself out and solidifying myself. but yeah <3

the things tht made me realize i was butch initially were really just like, realizing that it was a thing i could do, seeing the word "butch" in use rather than just "masc"/"gnc." i had had a fixation on masculine women for several years at that point. for example, i drew and wrote a lot of butch ocs without realizing that was what i was doing — short-haired women with muscles who took on masculine roles in relationships with their girlfriends, etc; notably, one woman character whose character arc in her story revolved around her (lesbian) love interest mistaking her for a man at first (i was like 14 lol). but then i found butch/femme spaces online, realized there was a word for it, read stone butch blues, and realized it was something *i* could do. as soon as i realized it was a possibility, i knew it was me.

im lucky that my family was really supportive, so after some experimenting with what i wanted, i was able to start wearing clothes that made me feel butch pretty much immediately. things like men's jeans, thick leather belts, sports bras, and thick button-downs were some things that i gravitated toward immediately. i wore patterned bow ties for a few weeks but quickly realized it was a little too dressy for my tastes.

during the time while i was experimenting with my presentation, i started dating (someone who i would call) my first femme, and she definitely brought my confidence through the roof. i remember our first date i wore this like suuuper dorky baby butch outfit (i tucked in this buttondown that was way too big to be tucked in, and it didn't really match well with the jeans i was wearing, and also i wore dress shoes but they didn't really work with the vibe either, and I wasn't going to a barber yet so my hair was still sort of longish, it was a lot), and after the date she texted me and said something along the lines of, "when i saw you in that outfit i was READY. idk what for but i was ready." and it had me through the moon.

so yeah. experimenting with my clothes and hair, being open about it with people who supported me, engaging in welcoming online spaces, and dating femmes, all really helped me when i was trying to figure out what it meant for me to be butch. i also really idolized leslie feinberg, and still do, to be fair - but being in an area where there aren't really many butches, let alone any older butches, leslie feinberg pretty much became my surrogate butch mentor. im glad i found hir books and read about hir, bc ze was sort of my rock.

so yeah! long, rambly answer that was mostly just reminiscing, but i hope i answered your question well. much love

[adricno]

this gif just exudes fuck boy energy

anywho ! hi im mini from the 6ix ! and this is 1/2 of my demons . [ since everyone tends to call me a demon IM OWNING IT TO MY OWN KDFJGHDFKJ ] im super excited to be back and playing both my kids, but here you’re gonna learn a little about Adriano who is 1/2 of the D���Alessio family around here !  click here  to learn about Alanna who is played by the beauty that is Dani !

new york’s very own Adriano D’alessio was spotted on broadway street in black Fendi sneakers . your resemblance to lorenzo zurzolo is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your twenty second birthday bash . while living in nyc , you’ve been labeled as being picky , but also attentive . i guess being a virgo explains that . 3 things that would paint a better picture of you would be a pack of cigarettes, sunglasses covering bloodshot eyes, and late night drives  . 

Basic Information

Full Name: adriano marco d’alessio

Nickname(s): addy, adri, dri

Age: 22

Height: 6′2 ft

Date of Birth:  september 13th 1997

Zodiac sign: virgo

Hogwarts house: slytherin

Ethnicity: italian

Nationality: italian-americian

Gender: cis male

Pronouns: he/him

Orientation: heterosexual

Religion: agnostic-catholic

Language(s) Spoken: italian + portuguese + french + german + english + spanish

BACKSTORY  TW * drugs + alcohol + illegalities

Adriano is the first born from his parents, alanna coming in second - they’re only a year a part so people tend to think they’re twins - but , adriano is firm on stating he’s the much older one , and definitely more mature from the two . 

Adri was actually born in Italy, and moved to New York before he could even remember, but often going back to Italy for family functions and just for fun. 

The D’Alessio’s are a very powerful , influential family . their last name means something once it’s spoken , in italy and even iin the united states . it’s not just Adri’s parents that made it big , but every part of the D’Alessio’s have a mark in the world someway or another , so , YEAH . they’re a pretty big deal .

going on !  adri was given A LOT of responsibilities which ... he did not want to do . he grew up being the golden boy with a face that can fool just about anyone . looks and personality MAGNETIC . the name , the genes , it all came with who he is .

his dad an ambassador / rep for italy in the USA , his mom this LOVING model that worked her looks into a model agency as big as IMG . 

while taking every language class to discuss business , adri was pretty much forced to join in on his mom’s business . he hated it , he honestly HATES being a part of this lifestyle . he wants to be rich but on his own accord , if you know what i mean . 

but he does it , bc he knows his name and everything comes with a price . doesn’t mean he doesn’t tend to REBEL . which he does quite often , sneaking out of family functions , smoking one up , doing some blow . 

growing up he was a typical rich boy with a pretty face, getting around . he doesn’t get along with either of his parents but if he had to choose , it’d be his mom . he believes his dad’s just controlling her . after what happened to Alanna , Adri definitely doesn’t trust his dad.

Adri’s super overprotective of Alanna, after everything that went down with his dad , alanna , and the italian mob . adri is cautious about everything.

he’s still an idiot tho.

SECRET

          * no one is supposed to know this, but im gonna explain it here. if u                want any connections based off this . LET ME KNOW . :)

Adriano always loved cars , when he was 5 he got into a maserati and crashed it into a tree bc he didn’t know how to drive but ever since then he’s had a fascination with them. got his license early, knows how to fix , pull them a part . ANYTHING to do with it, tends to be everyone’s mechanic . always making the best cars around aesthetically , and internally. 

he got into street racing , which is illegal by EVERY means possible . he worked up the ranks , it being the place where he had to prove himself rather than just going by name . so he made it up there where he’s pretty respectable . 

Adri works with bringing illegal imports for car parts into the USA . [ think like fast and furious life ok DKJFHDKFBH ] 

 AND , like father like son -- he uses these dealings to bring in large amounts of coke / weed / other drugs into the country . so he works with cartels , on the side DKJFGHKDJGH

not only does he do THAT but he also organizes and runs in these races - they give him a certain high -- a kind of adrenaline where death is at ur fingertips . it’s a gamble he likes to take . 

PERSONALITY + CURRENT SITUATION

he’s a big idiot, in a sense that a lot of things just go over his head . he’s very business savvy , as in he likes to think things thoroughly , which may just be the virgo in him. he’s the guy you want to take to a casino.

usually the life of the party - funny enough , he does DJ on the side . adri finds it works out in his favour to make things that would get a crowd worked up. that’s just a hobby of his , but he’s pretty much just living like a socialite , modelling for whatever his mom puts him in - and even if he hates it the most , he goes a lot with his dad to learn the ins and outs of being a future ambassador , but adri rlly does it to benefit his side business. 

he’s a good person on the inside, he just maybe never shows it . on the outside he seems humble and the nicest , but he loves to play games , mess around with people . a bit sadistic . i actually hate him JDFGHKDFJGHDFKSGHJDSF 

highkey prefers to being alone than in a crowd of people , believes he’s a lot better than most bc he’s smarter , but he’s not , he’s an idiot KJDGHKJFDGH

he’s gotten away with literally everything so he believes he’s invincible . he’s gottena arrested before but it’s nothing he couldn’t get out of and whenever the media finds out , he’s able to twist it around where he looks innocent in it . or he just pushes it off like it’s no big deal . 

ironically , super chill . never one to look for a fight , instead he likes solutions .

He does go to school ! but he takes classes online to avoid people , so not many people really know he goes to school and is currently earning his masters. 

the only person he wants to prove himself to is himself, and adri has such high standards that he’s always trying to reach for the best KJDHFGKDJFHG

I THINK THTS IT FOR NOW ??

I LIKE BRAINSTORMING WITH PPL FOR PLOTS/CONNECTIONS , SO LIKE THIS AND I WILL HIT YOU UP <3

BESIDES THAT IT’S REALLY ALL THE REGULAR TYPE OF CONNECTIONS

[gotatext]

                   hllo ! i’m nora ( she / her, 24, gmt ) crawling back to this rp once more like the dirty sewer slug i am !! i just can’t get enough, baybeyyy ! u may remember me frm such roles as alma putnam, rory bergstrom, bridget matusiak or greta o’driscoll 2 name jst a few.... sure there were more over these long years, bt the show must go on.... this is mimi, she’s dogmatic, tenacious n single-minded 2 the point of recklessness, she doesn’t like handouts n she’s funding her degree through her onlyfans account n moaning abt shit on tiktok. we love 2 see it !!  slam that like button n i’ll creep into ur DMs like the slippery worm i am   OR u can discord me at that bitch carole baskin#8664.   a humble pinterest.

『ALEXA DEMIE ❙ CIS-FEMALE ��� ⟿ looks like MIMI MARTÍNEZ is here for HER SOPHOMORE year as an ARCHITECTURE AND SOCIAL ANTHROPOLOGY student. SHE is 22 years old & known to be STRONG-WILLED, GOAL-ORIENTED, ARROGANT & EASILY BORED. They’re living in MORIS, so if you’re there, watch out for them. ⬳ nora. 24. gmt. she/her.

this is p embarassing but i actually originally wrote mimi for a discord rp based around love island asgjag dont laugh at me but it was so chaotic n someone deleted it w-out telling any of us so i lost her bio.... all her threads....e verythin.... it was mad. but anyway we startin from scratch w this intro so bare with

mimi is a really extra character so when trying to flesh her out i thot of the most extra thing i could do n made a colour coded mindmap with watercolour paints detailing her values, aesthetics and early life. shoot me

background: she grew up in a trailer home in boulder city, abt half an hour from vegas. her mom had worked in a vegas casino for most of her 20s but relocated to boulder city for a slower pace of life / lower crime rate when she started having kids. mimi has 2 older brothers n she’s the youngest. has that invulnerable younger sibling complex n basically thinks nothing can touch her. very confident in her own intelligence and her ability to get shit done 

has mexican ancestry on her mom’s side. doesn’t know her dad. was raised with spanish catholic principals n found it all very stained glass windows and extra n that’s why she was kinda drawn to the decadence of vegas and all these massively high key aesthetics, like dia de les muertos was her fave thing growin up just bcos the pure feel of the festival and painting a sugar skull on her face n being able to party on the streets in a flower crown where everyone was kinda anonymous but together in this celebration

in boulder city her mom worked as a carer as there’s a lot of retirees there. mimi really resented the slow pace of life, longed for some fucking energy n life. she was a cheerleader in school but outside of school there wsn’t much to do except practise stunts and go on bike rides.  occasionally they’d get dressed up and catch a bus to henderson, the next biggest city for them to get tht sweet night life

her teenage years consisted mostly of hanging around the renovated motel blocks used as housing projects n tanning by the pool. very florida project if you’ve seen that. she reminds me a lot of the mum in that. also she started working as an avon rep going door-to-door when she was 16 bcos she wanted to have her own income. like as young as 14 she’d decided she was smart enough to go to college but she didn’t have the money n her family didn’t really see it as a worthwhile thing, her mom was very like the mom from matilda “you chose books.... i chose looks!” which i think is where a lot of mimi’s more shallow / appearance-driven traits come from

wasn’t really ‘cool’ until high school. before that she was a bit of a lisa simpson type. won a spelling bee when she was 9. was in the mathletes squad in middle school. when she went from middle school to high school she started cheer and tried to reinvent herself basically. always been very concerned with social mobility and keen to socially climb, like when she enters a new situation she’ll find out who the alphas are and quickly try n befriend them

when she turned 18 she moved out and went to vegas despite her mom hating the idea bcos it was everything she’d tried to get her kids away from. she worked in the clubs there for several years as a shot girl, a table dancer, n eventually she started workin behind the bar in a strip club. in the club it ws really hard to resist becoming a dancer bcos of the sheer amount they made in tips. no one really pressured her into it she just eventually decided tht it was way more logical to do it while she was young n fit and had the stamina and ppl were willing to pay to see her body so she started taking pole fitness lessons. she also started working as a cam girl around this time

working in vegas strip clubs is basically whats paid for uni. like she didn’t go at 18 like most of her friends did bcos she didn’t have the money and she didn’t want to feel indebted to a college like she had to compete for her place and not put a toe out of line bcos she was on a scholarship. she was determined to pay her own way and it took 4 years of working really hard and saving n even tho she was working in vegas she basically never went out bcos every penny she had needed to go on uni n thts how we get to radcliffe baybeeyy

part 2  - interior / values / personality

values: the aesthetic !! literally loves the aesthetic so much. everything she owns is super embellished, she’s a pop socket gal, her dell laptop is covered in glitzy stickers, she always has acrylics n probs makes nail art videos on tiktok. really tuned into tiny details like painting a little hello kitty above her eye which translates into her degree when she’s doing small-scale mockups of town plans n stuff... she jst puts so much detail into them. ppl often get surprised when she tells them she does architecture but it makes so much sense bcos she grew up in a trailer park n was always thinking about ways the space could be more efficiently used, like she loves re-conceptualising neighbourhoods, definitely spent hours on sims as a kid. she also grew up near hoover dam n so loads of school trips they just took them there n she was like.... this is tight but it could be cooler.... where’s the passion....

massively into photography, has such a neat instagram feed like everything just compliments the tones in the next post like mMMM. idk if any of u know any architecture students but this is literally the one constant i can find…. like they all have super good instagrams feeds. is that bitch that will take 40 fake candids of u in a row at different angles to get u the perfect profile picture cos she understands the importance of marketing urself and having an online #brand

has wire rimmed glasses that she doesn’t need to see BUT they r like a magnifying glass for when she’s working with really small materials to do a mock up of an urban plan, and also just sometimes wears them for the aesthetic bc she’s such a pinterest bitch

assassination nation is such a big mood. literally the aesthetics of that and lily colson’s whole brand of feminism and nudity not being inherently sexual but at the same time wanting to profit off that bcos why the fuck shouldnt she use a corrupt system to her advantage is incredibly mimi

literally a human personification of a bratz doll both in attitude and fashion sense

somehow simultaneously gansey in the raven cycle AND elle woods in legally blonde? the two genders 

values cont bc i started rambling: her independence and freedom. being the best at any given task she sets her mind to accomplish because she is unable to accept failure. social mobility. sexual liberation. interested in the psychology of sub-cultures and how ppl form groups and interact w each other and cult identities which is why she minors in anthropology. pro-choice. pro-weed legalisation. pro-sex worker rights. very activist.

aesthetics tht remind me of her: von dutch. a strappy cami top that says ‘please do not do coke in the bathroom’. low-waisted jeans that show off her belly button piercing. acrylic nails tapping against a heavily embellished second-hand dell laptop. heart shaped sunglasses in every colour. translucent stripper heels with barbie doll heads and plastic spiders in the heel. spraying champagne you cant afford all over the walls. narcotics in a heart shaped locket. an amazon wishlist full of lingerie linked on your tinder profile. sex tapes recorded on VCR. a religious devotion to waxing clinics. necking shots like you were born to do it.

she’s an enfj type which makes her pretty charismatic and confidence, like she has a fierce kind of energy to her, but she’s also super unwilling to accept criticism, dogmatic and can only really see her own way of thinking, quite ruthless when it comes 2 other ppls emotions despite having a poor control of her own and being prone to turbulence / throwin a bitch fit in the craft lab. easily bored. competitive. self-assured to the point of arrogance. forceful. adaptable. usually more rational than emotional but occasionally loses the ability to make rational decisions when blinded by a need for perfectionism.

very goal-oriented. money motivates her. money and clothes. she wants to look bomb while earning big bucks. when she gets her mind set on a project it literally consumes her she will forget to eat and sleep? i don’t know her.  like when a final design project is due for architecture she’ll be up all night doing adderall and speed to keep her awake working on the placement of a single tree for ages cos its gotta be perfect

loves chaos. will spill your secrets and pretend it was an accident. will always be that gif of kim kardashian sipping her tea while drama unfolds around her. lives for the drama like that gifset of bratz when she comes running and gets her phone out to record a fight.

im makin her sound like a really bad person but hopefully she’ll be somewhat likeable she can be very charismatic and endearing and she’s naturally quite funny. also now she’s finally in college and doesn’t have to worry so much about money she actually allows herself to party n bcos she denied herself of it for so long she kinda makes up for it by going p wild like will be the girl climbing on to stage to crowd surf at gigs or doing a summersault off the bar and being escorted out by bouncers, thats the energy were looking at, pure dionysian hedonistic impulse

really gd at talking her way out of shit like parking fines. so good at being an ‘im baby’ girl and often dumbs herself down to figures of authority to appear less like a threatening ball-breaker and more like a confused fiat 500 girl who didn’t know red meant stop she thought it meant slow down

listens almost exclusively to female artists. has fergalicious on repeat when she does squats infront of the mirror n just the biggest fergie stan. also lana del rey’s whole vibe is massive mimi energy

ok ya thats all i have for now..... hopefully this is somewhat coherent and not just garbage.

[96xie]

2019

a whole summary of this difficult year

2019 was full of unexpected good and bad surprises along with lessons and experiences.

january

spent good time with mocha, wayo and brian

had such a good time with guildies from our game

met up with some other ppl from the same game and didnt feel too good bc i was never good with crowds and/or groups that were already well established

tried tinder for the first time because i thought it would be nice to put myself out there for once

feburary

continued my tinder journey and actually had fun with it. it was pretty scary at the same time because it was such a new experience talking to other people and to have them notice you? because i always knew and felt that i wasnt really the desirable one.

actually hooked up with a guy from last months meetup and hung out twice. thought it was going somewhere because he, too, showed signs to progress further ((was wrong because he lied and showed red flags later))

one major red sign to me: no response after genuinely saying thank you for rides and dinner. im the type of person who always says thank you because im honestly grateful for the little and big things. he basically shrugged it off.

also, a huge liar. yah, big no

i brought him to my friends birthday bc they and himself wanted to meet each other, it was fun while it lasted but stuff happened

towards the end of the month, i cut my ties off with him for being awfully mean to me and also cut ties with my “friends” for having really bad assumptions of me.

i was frustrated with myself at that time bc his cats gave me a bad breakout and i felt super ugly. also i wasnt sad over him, but over the fact that i let myself be treated like a second option. eventually i learned that it was good that i didnt let things go further and that i only deserve the very best.

even though i was hurt, i thought it was a good experience, esp since i havent really been in the “dating game” for years. like it was a just a small step to putting myself out there once again

a week later after that a classmate asked me out and got tons of compliments from him and wondered “the universe really works in crazy ways”

march

met some cool people through the same mobile game on a discord server and they were much better than the first group.

also met this really funny dude in the same group. like he was so fun to talk to and he understood my dumb lingo

remember when my classmate asked me out on a date? it turned out a bit weird. but considering this was my first date in YEARS i thought it was a cool experience. got some carne asada fries outta him

i had the dude i was talking to call me so i could leave the date tho LOL ((he helped me lots, esp how to deal with awkward situations with my classmate. also at this point, i really liked talking to him but i wasnt rly sure if i wanted to date other guys bc i had been hurt previously)

this month was pretty much dedicating most of my time talking to him and i enjoyed it alot

also went to pubs for the first time to hangout with my coworkers. such an interesting place

april

tried rollerskating for the first time ever, ended up with a bunch of bruises but it was cool!

also tried 7leaves for the first time and instantly fell in love with mungbean

also went clubbing in sf with my friends and it was such a fun time like i had SO much fun

i got auctioned off of SAD! that phase was just a crazy ride. while there was many that dm’d me, there was only one special person that i only replied to and continued to talk to him on a daily basis

((honestly, i was scared that i was taking things a bit further with him because a part of me was like “are you ready for this?” and “have you really recovered from that guy?” or “can you give this guy your all?” just alot of overthinking))

spent 4/20 at sf with my friends, and overall had a GREAT time. took too many hits and drank so ya gorl was crossfaded. not sure if i wanna do tht again tho

unfortunately woke up with a swollen face and it lasted for a LONG time.

may

so my face is still swollen, still bad, red as a tomato and at this point i was really hesitant to meet up with the guy ive been talking to. i mean!! my skin was SO bad. i felt like i was gonna make a fool out of myself by scaring him away

but,,,, he was still willing to see me despite my appearance and : ( he was so accepting and typing this makes my heart ache bc he is SUCH a good man : (

i met up with the guy towards the end of the month in sj and first thing he does when i walk up to him is give me this great warm hug and so many smooches !!!!!!! like my heart is melting

eventually we became official !!! he got us an airbnb for the night and we jus spent time cuddling on the bed and honestly i : ( i like him so much

june

my birthday wasnt rly that like “wow” it was actually kinda annoying

my bf flew up to sf where we met up, explored the city and slept the night in at an airbnb. next day went to oakland where i introduced my friends to him!

went to my first festival with several with my friends, including ppl from our same guild from our game and it was SO fun

rolled for the first time and it was SUCH an experience. redosed like twice and ended up hallucinating which is something ill def not do again

also i really wished my bf was with me at that time : ( while i had an extremely fun time, i wish i shared that moment with him : (

july

went to vegas for my cousins 22nd bday. shit was wild

also rolled there.

also threw up for the very first time

a fight broke out at the club and that shit was fuckgin CRAZY and it was RIGHT next to our table

also used alot of my money for the whole trip in which nobody really told me about so …. i was like ok.. fuck …

also my skin was still bad during these past months so it was pretty hard masking it

like really hard. with someone with terrible eczema, its just extremely hard to hide it

august

bf flew to sac!!! he met my mom for the first time and we explored the city and stuff

and went on an ikea date! and! honestly i just really loved spending time with him :c

we also spent time with my friends! they came over also! and ate some fuckgin bomb ass waffles

and then took bus down to la to meetup with some friends from our guild towards the end of the month!

it was pretty nice to be able to stay with my bf in his apartment !!!!!

also some scalding tea but thats rly for another time

to make it super short tho: our friend that we’ve known much longer than the girl he met (less than 3 months) dropped our friendship SO quick lol

september

cousin bonding @ beach, too cold for tht doe

towards the end of the month, my bf flew me down!!! so i spent the weekend with him and like always, only had a good time with him!

AND ALWAYS EATING GOOD FOOD!

october

during this fall semester, i took online classes and one of them was a 8week class. there was a topic about mental health and how we can take care of ourselves better and i just thought it was such an important thing to cover. i feel like its not talked about enough

november

spent thanksgiving with my family down in morgan hill and ate good food! honey ham has a special place in my heart.

went black friday shopping first at walmart, lowkey disappointed in myself because i was bummed out the apple watches were sold out. the materialistic part of me jumped out oof

slept at my cousins then went to the mall! didnt get anything besides really good bulgogi fries. i hated going into stores tho cuz everything was literally crowded. hated it !!!!!!!

went to a small festival in sacramento with my friends at the end of the month and this time is 7 of us (than the usual 5)! it was sososo fun.

also took my coworker with me, it was actually amusing to see bc our group were all asian and he’s the only tall white guy

made hotpot at home and we also went out for milktea and waffles again! sooo good.

december

flew down to see my bf again and only had a good time! went to this garden with beautiful lights and ! ugh! SO pretty!

cried in his bed before my flight back, cried on the plane, cried at home and cried before i slept. i miss him

also racked up alot of hours so i could pay for my tuition and my family’s bills. kinda sucks bc im pretty tired but i gotta do what do i gotta do.

christmas was a bit lonely bc my mom went to the philippines and i dont rly talk to my brother but my kuya came the next day and we ate n watched stuff

overall, it was a whacky year. but im so glad to have met ed. he means SO much to me. a part of me was so hesitant to date him because i mean, he’s man with his life set. i dont have a car, im still in school, i have this part time job where im giving my mom all my paychecks and which the only money im keeping is just my tips (not much), i still have issues with myself and other conflicts and honestly theres much to do, learn and grow from. but he’s so supportive, understanding and loving and i love and appreciate him from the bottom of my heart. most of the time i wonder if im doing and if im being enough for him. i worry about that alot but he’s so patient with me. i laugh alot when im with him and i feel so happy.

did i mention that we are long distance? him being in la and me in sacramento. so the only thing thats connecting us is facetime. maybe once every two months will i see him in person but yep. when i had my first panic attack, i really wanted him right next to me. at that moment i felt even more sad because of course you’re gonna want you’re significant other during a moment like that. but anyways, i always miss him and i always want him next to me and i always love him. i want to hurry up and get my education done with so i can be with him. not to sound like omg im so madly infatuated with him type of thing tho. he’s someone who understands me and knows how to love me.

i hope 2020 treats me well despite all the challenges ahead of me.

[judememories]

TASK #004

FULL GIVEN NAME — jude orlando hayward

NICKNAMES & WHO CALLS THEM THESE — judas (a lot of ppl call him this n it’s his twitter handle) n then i think tht? is kind of it? a lot of ppl reference beatles songs as a greeting too bt :/ he isn’t tht fond of tht tbh…. minus 10 points for unoriginality

AGE & D.O.B — 23, march 3rd

PLACE OF BIRTH — sheffield, england

TOWNS THEY’VE LIVED IN AND FOR HOW LONG — sheffield until he was 13 then his parents gt a place in san fran n he was back n forth consistently until he applied to lockwood at 19 n moved to rochester

GUARDIANS NAMES & LOCATIONS — orla isaacs & nathan hayward. currently abroad in indonesia.

SIBLING NAMES, AGES & LOCATIONS — N/A altho i do sometimes contemplate the idea of him having a half sibling tht his mum put up fr adoption n never told anyone abt

WATERSHED.APP STATUS — sheep

DO THEY HAVE ANYTHING QUESTIONABLE ONLINE? — not particularly?? probably some…. nsfw texts / mayb pics bt nothing beyond standard

BANK ACCOUNT BALANCE — $689

DOES YOUR MUSE HAVE ANY CREDIT CARDS? HOW MANY? DO THEY HAVE A BALANCE AND LIMIT? OF HOW MUCH? — mayb one credit card n it wld b a fairly low limit one tht i doubt he… uses often tbh

CRIMINAL RECORD — 1 assault charge tht got dropped when it was realised it was in self defence, a few fr public indecency (once he woke up naked in the woods after doin shrooms n had to walk home like tht n ppl called when they spotted him jst. naked strollin thru the streets), n then recently he had a stint of community service fr stealing a hearse w his dead neighbour inside n going on a joy ride before it got to the funeral

HOSPITAL & MEDICAL VISITS / RECORD — came in once when he ws having a rly bad panic attack fr the first time n thought he was dying, almost drank himself to death twice n had to have his stomach pumped both times, ws admitted n held for observation after taking all of his anti-depressants at once, broke his arm and 2 ribs in a car accident once, had to have stitches on his finger when a game of pin finger saw his parents friend almost chopping it off, had his jaw broken and wired shut when he was 15. honestly jst like…. a lot. probably mre tht im forgetting abt

PRESCRIBED MEDICATIONS — he’s been prescribed fluoxetine, venlafaxine, citalopram & sertraline in the past all on…… quite significant doses. he started low bt very quickly increased to 200mg tbh. he’s currently on 200mg of sertraline bt his taking of it is semi irregular 

DO THEY USE ILLICIT DRUGS? — ya…. his favs r acid n shrooms bt. he tries to save shrooms fr special occasions like they’re a birthday cake or smthn

DO THEY DRINK ALCOHOL? — ya

DO THEY SMOKE WEED AND/OR CIGARETTES? — both in copious excess babey!

SUBSCRIPTIONS THEY HAVE — jst spotify n netflix

FAVORITE BOOKS — on the road by jack kerouac, the bell jar by sylvia plath, kurt cobain’s diaries, sylvia plath’s diaries, macbeth by shakespeare, to the lighthouse by virginia woolff, honestly jst…… lots of classic stuff. he also hs a soft spot fr harry potter bc he wld read them growin up n feel kind of like the boy who lived under the stairs in terms of….. … the way he ws treated in his parent’s loft (badly by their friends n he didn’t see his parents enough to rly feel they. were alive anyway)

FAVORITE FILMS — shutter island, the cabin in the woods, monster house, i origins, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, jumanji, the social network, donnie darko, scream, the room, the disaster artist, trainspotting, beautiful boy

FAVORITE MUSICIANS — the smiths, elliott smith, neutral milk hotel, metronomy, talking heads, the stone roses, primal scream, mac demarco, the libertines, pixies, johnny goth, wolf alice, mazzy star, radiohead, perfume genius, gus dapperton

FAVORITE GAMES — feel like he loves like………. horror games like. silent hill n resident evil n tht sort? bt also ones like outlast n the last of us. also probably saints row n gta. jst like a multitude rly?? like cn imagine if he’s depressed he jst aimlessly drives around rly high on gta fr hours

PAST ROMANTIC / INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS THAT MAY HAVE AN ONLINE PRESENCE — mara wells (ex-girlfriend at age 16), saskia cohen (ex-girlfriend on n off for yrs), rory vanderberg (they’ve shared some…. nsfw texts before 2 say the least)

MOST FREQUENTLY VISITED WEBSITES — youtube n ???? idk….. weird threads on reddit probably. feel like he loves the ambien one bc he likes things tht dnt make much sense

DO THEY USE A VPN? — yh just for the basic stuff like accessing diff netflix or whatever

WHAT SOCIAL MEDIA DO THEY HAVE? — instagram (barely uses), twitter, facebook (barely uses), he had a vine too (rip). downloaded tiktok bt finds it kind of confusing to work

ARE THEY ON ANY HOOK-UP OR DATING APPS? WHICH ONES? — jst tinder. his profile is prob pretty nonsensical bt he somehow gets lots of responses anyway. king of nt making sense bt thriving regardless

[lanamemories]

hLO itsa me nai-io!!!!! (read shrieked in a high voice like mario if he buckled his dungarees too tight around the crotch)...... im sad i missed opening bt i had a pretty busy past 2 days so i didn’t hav any chance at all to b online bc i ws staying at a friends bt. anyway. excited to b here nw regardless of my Fashionably Late entrance. i’m 22 n live in manchester (the u freakin k Bay Bee) n cackle a little too mch like a witch fr supernatural suspicions nt to arise. thts all u rly need to kno. like this or hmu fr plots!! 

p.s. this is her pinterest for those of u tht like tht kind of thing

「 bridget satterlee. cis-female. 」have you seen lana jameson around yet? i hear SHE decided to be in ALPHA NU for their JUNIOR year as a DANCE major. the 21 year old SHEEP is known to be vivacious, alluring, childish and impulsive. ➨ the muse is written by nai. she is 22, in the gmt.

some random aesthetics: a red water pistol topped up with caribbean rum and covered in stickers of cartoon pin up girls, a vinyl record whirring silently because you got too distracted by a stranger’s hands to reach over and flip sides, giant inflatable flamingos floating in the aftermath of a pool party, smudgy lipstick kisses left like an autograph on someone else’s mirror, seventies platforms covered in bowie inspired lightening stripes, fanning the flush in your cheeks with a bright red flamenco fan in the back of a crowded lecture hall, michelangelo reminiscent statures clasping at their stone in suggestive places, bopping stranger’s on the forehead with heart shaped lollipops, a bumper sticker on the back of a convertible cadillac that says ‘SCRAPPY DOO IS A FILTHY SLUT’, lighting a paper lantern and saying “aw, how pretty,” only for the whole party to shriek as it crashes into a children’s tent in the next garden over, a ball point pen that turns a woman naked when you click up the nib, cackling so ferociously that you almost throw up and your ribs ache.

ok im a Lay Zee gorl n dnt wna waste any mre time redoin lana’s intro so im pastin in her old one so i cn hop right to interactions. the only thing i can think tht needs to b added is the stuff abt danny nielsen (an evil npc of mine bc im a sadist) who recently beat up zeke van doren (full name this is Official feel like im writin a journalist article) bc he found out him n lana slept tgether n her n danny were kind of dating if....u can call his idea of romance tht. danny is in custody nw bt its a whole Thing like.... is prob... known around lockwood bc it ws a pretty intense..... thing tht happened n danny ws quite a popular senior

grew up in a big house in albany, NY, bt also spent time all over the place n was in the city a lot

okay so her mum is an old money socialite / three time campaign model way back when n her dad is a big record label mogul. he owns a label called jameson records n they repped a few big rock bands back in the eighties, altho they’re mostly known for ‘poppy injects’ whose lead singer had a big heroin scandal tht brought down his career. lana p much grew up around musicians snorting lines instead of spooning down cereal fr breakfast n her parents were v much absent her whole life

they’re pretty well off obviously n bc of her relation to such a big music industry figure she’s hung out w a fair few relatively high rep ppl thru her teens. she amassed kind of an instagram following mainly fr her style (v penny lane-esque in some aspects aka lots of fur cuff trimmed jackets bt then also jst…. a wild combination of everything honestly. pastel faux fur coats, seventies style platforms, flame red cowboy boots, pink fishnet tights n glitter used like highlight Everywhere) n bc she’s undeniably very pretty

her parents always kind of jst… didn’t like her. it was v clear that she was an accident after her older brother caleb n that even when they just had him alone they weren’t cut out for parenthood. they always kind of jst… ignored her n hoped she’d go away. she had to mke herself microwave meals when she ws only like 12 bc they’d forget to get her anything. once she went like 6 days without her mum even looking her in the eyes once

despite this tho!!! she’s always been insanely close w her brother caleb. he’s her whole world. thts why when he decided to sign up to the army she ws understandably scared bt supported him after initially bein mad tht he ws leavin her all alone. bt then he wound up getting discharged under grounds of severe ptsd when he witnessed his best friend die in an explosion tht took place in a shock raid. caleb returned home n he was never the same n lana kind of felt like he’d died out there too. he’s in n out of hospital a lot n it’s rly hard on her bt she doesn’t tlk abt it to anyone rly

growing up lana was always a huge social butterfly. jst literally…. knew everyone n everyone definitely knew her. she ws one of those girls tht ws kind of impossible to ignore or forget. very animated, always made u feel like u were the centre of the universe whenever she spoke to u, always made it feel like u were best friends even if ud only spoken to her once. she has this magnetic way abt her tht is kind of hard to find in real life. it’s something ud only rly expect out of a movie character n she like. deliberately puts tht on sort of. kind of.... is always playing A Role of the person tht she wants to b seen as

she’s always been insatiably spontaneous n adventurous. always doing something weird n wild every weekend. she has ten thousand stories tht always earn a laugh or a gasp over how ridiculously absurd they r

anyway so after caleb got back he was rly withdrawn n depressed. he shut lana out n was kind of harsh to her a lot of the time, always telling her to leave him alone or pushing her away. it didnt help either tht lana had a rly traumatic experience w some of her dad’s colleagues at the label when she ws 16 n he was away n she cldnt even tell him abt it once he was bk bc of his own traumas. she kind of jst shut it all in n kept it to herself

this obviously?? made her spiral a lot. she was already a girl tht loved sex (she’d only rly done foreplay before tho) but since her trauma it got…. completely out of hand. it got to a point where she couldnt rly go 2 days without it, probably not even 1. her lowest point has probably been scrolling thru craiglist for anonymous encounters n meeting up w strangers on there fr a quick fuck jst for the thrill even tho it’s insanely dangerous n she cld wind up getting herself killed. it’s v clear at this point tht she has a sex addiction whether she’s ever admitted it or not

she also currently? is working as a cam girl. she found this website bc she trawls… porn stuff a lot n she wound up applying to work as one bc she thought it’d b fun n wld earn her some disposal income (even tho she frankly doesn’t need it bc she’s already well off). the guy tht manages all of the girls on the site is kind of suspect n it’s a whole plot i’m gna unravel where it’s actually like the front for a cult or something wild so. stay posted ig. kgjdkgjh

personality/some fun facts: uncontrollably flirty. boundlessly confident. cld make a joke out a paper bag n her comedy is sometimes surreal / absurd. she tends to laugh when she feels like crying n has a smile brighter than a ray of texas sunshine. always dapples her fingers thru the breeze when she’s driving in a car w the window down. her fav book as a child used to b alice in wonderland n she’d fantasise abt having her own little wonderland too where everyone knew her name n asked her things n took her on adventures. at the time it didn’t rly strike her how evident it was tht that was bc she was so lonely. she almost always has some sort of sweet on her, whether it’s strawberry laces or gummy bears or cherry lollipops. she adores david bowie n prince n madonna n anyone tht’s a vintage style icon w little care fr what ppl think. wildflowers r her favourites bc they’re the brightest and u can’t buy them. she’s had like 8472493874 ‘relationships’ n none of them hav lasted beyond a month / hav been terrible / hav seen her being treated badly / she’s cheated on them. i dnt think she’s actually been w anyone she hasn’t cheated on in some form or another

plot ideas: exes tht lana’s fucked over hideously. she’d probably cheat a lot and it’d be a whole…mess. mayb someone tht flipped the switch and cheated on her? a cousin plot cld b fun too. a friend tht lana fel out w bc she slept w their significant other. someone tht’s getting lana into drugs?? she’s kind of impressionable/down for anything so tht’s a likely scenario she’d get into tbh. an unrequited crush!! (either way is cool). someone tht is just hanging out w her/using her bc she has a lot of instagram followers or they want to b signed to her dad’s label. someone in a band!! she’d probably make like penny lane n b their groupie/sleep w them all fgjkshgkh. umm a good influence too mayb? oh and a past summer romance/fling tht cld either have meant a lot or not have meant anything at all. bonus points if both of them hav a diff viewpoint on it. honestly?? anything is fine i cld ramble for days

[srcbin-blog]

                ﹤  𝙹𝚄𝙽𝙶  𝙲𝙷𝙰𝙴𝚈𝙴𝙾𝙽,  𝚂𝙷𝙴/𝙷𝙴𝚁,  𝙲𝙸𝚂  𝙵𝙴𝙼𝙰𝙻𝙴  ﹥;  *  -  hello  𝑹𝑶𝑩𝑰𝑵 𝑺𝑬𝑶.  long  time  no  see.  i  know  a  lot  about  you.  like  how  you're  𝑻𝑾𝑬𝑵𝑻𝒀-𝑶𝑵𝑬,  how  you're  a  𝑪𝑶𝑴𝑷𝑼𝑻𝑬𝑹  𝑺𝑪𝑰𝑬𝑵𝑪𝑬  major,  and  in  fact..  how  you  𝑬𝑿𝑬𝑪𝑼𝑻𝑬𝑫  𝑨  𝑫𝑶𝑺  𝑨𝑻𝑻𝑨𝑪𝑲  𝑶𝑵  𝑨  𝑪𝑶𝑴𝑷𝑨𝑵𝒀  𝑻𝑯𝑨𝑻  𝑹𝑬𝑱𝑬𝑪𝑻𝑬𝑫  𝒀𝑶𝑼𝑹  𝑰𝑵𝑻𝑬𝑹𝑵𝑺𝑯𝑰𝑷  𝑨𝑷𝑷𝑳𝑰𝑪𝑨𝑻𝑰𝑶𝑵,  𝑪𝑶𝑺𝑻𝑰𝑵𝑮  𝑻𝑯𝑬𝑴  𝑻𝑯𝑶𝑼𝑺𝑨𝑵𝑫𝑺  𝑶𝑭  𝑫𝑶𝑳𝑳𝑨𝑹𝑺  𝑰𝑵  𝑷𝑹𝑶𝑭𝑰𝑻.  would  be  a  shame  if  it  got  out,  wouldn't  it  ?  so  let's  play  a  game.  𝚃𝚁𝚄𝚃𝙷  𝙾𝚁  𝙳𝙰𝚁𝙴  ?

                ♡    whaddup it’s dri !!! & here’s robin, prime example of what can go wrong if you were a golden child and have to confront the fact that you’re not hot shit anymore SKJFHGDS she’s like a brand brand new muse so i apologize in advance if this is a Mess

*  ╱  𝒃 𝒂 𝒄 𝒌 𝒈 𝒓 𝒐 𝒖 𝒏 𝒅

                ♡    growing up, she was the girl everyone’s parents wanted their kid to be like — well-behaved, studious, etc. — and was easily the cause of annoyance to her friends whenever she visited their homes. they didn’t hate her, but they were incredibly envious because it seemed as though their parents tended to treat her so well, almost like a daughter they wished they had. 

                ♡    if only things were like that in her actual home !! her parents paid very little attention to her, and it’s obvious that her being born was a hassle in the way of their own pursuits. her mother was the editor-in-chief for a fashion magazine and her father was a patent attorney, but robin’s nanny was more like a parent to her than they ever were. they enrolled her in whatever programs they could — piano lessons, violin lessons, test prep, you name it — just to get her out of their hair.

                ♡    she caught on to the fact that her parents didn’t really love her early on, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t going to try to have a family dynamic a lot of her classmates seemed to have. her desire for parental love and validation led her to overachieve in .. basically all aspects. robin figured that maybe if she proved herself to have been worthy of .. giving birth to SDGDSKGSD maybe her parents would learn to love her.

                ♡    yea things didn’t really work out like that, and if anything, her parents got even busier as she got older. taking her schoolwork and extracurriculars quite seriously, in high school, she was second chair violin (she beat herself up other this), captain of her robotics team, among several other smaller feats. but to all these they’d only award her with something along the lines of “that’s nice.” she often had to give other parents excuses as to why only her nanny showed up to orchestra concerts, leaving a reputation that her parents were always busy busy!!

                ♡    she came to terms with the fact that her parents will just never seem to care for her and that’s facts! but her desire to succeed and prove herself worthy of something, whatever that was of this point, became like an addiction. weird, but it’s kind of comforting to know that she at least has this, her reputation of being an ideal daughter. because even if her parents don’t think so, it’s nice that other people do. 

                ♡    going into college for computer science (emphasis cybersecurity) was Stressful for her tho because of all the new challenges and competition!! she dealt with so much impostor syndrome and almost snapped ... so many times KLSHDGSD but as she would always do, she threw herself into her work 2 Distract Herself from this crisis. sleeping in the library? her fun hobby!! burnout??? almost like a personality trait!! she could literally be hungover and she’d force herself to study but she’d still find herself performing not the Very Best ... luv a downward spiral !!

                ♡    things kinda started to change a Lot when she started applying to internships her second yr :0 things started to change bc she kept getting rejected LKSJDHGSD this ?? freaked her out !! the first time was like a kick to the face sure .. but the second time was like a stab in the back .. n by the third time ?? she snapped !! she couldn’t take it anymore ! (see: secret 4 more detailz)

                ♡    in the time following .. she started to .. mayhaps Chill a lil bit .. a lot bit .. SLJDGHSDG she still has her overachiever tendencies practically ingrained in her personality but she’s kinda givin up .. she’s like what’s the point if no one thinks i’m worthy !! she’s a crisis wrapped in a pretty bow jus trying to find herself bc once her golden child identity was ripped from her hands .. she doesn’t know what she has left ;/

*  ╱  𝒑 𝒆 𝒓 𝒔 𝒐 𝒏 𝒂 𝒍 𝒊 𝒕 𝒚

                ♡    for someone who used to think she was hot shit, robin’s actually a really easy friend to make ?? is it bc she’s lonely ?? Maybe !! she isn’t the type to initiate conversations, though, so oftentimes people are afraid to approach her bc of her rbf mixed with sleep deprivation

                ♡    no one really ever expected her to be a partier when she got to college, but it sure proved to be a nice distraction from everything else going on in her life !! catch her with a mixed drink on a friday night chattin with some dudez

                ♡    someone PLEASE love her LSDJHGKSDG she tries to find love n companionship everywhere but never tries to force it — the moment a partner shows any sense of disinterest she gets scared and walks away. she’ll try to find slivers of affection here and there, but she doesn’t believe she’s actually deserving of love.

                ♡    feels weird about breaking rules but easily falls victim to the bandwagon effect nowadays !! she’s walking the fine line between being chaotic and having it together, it’s only a matter of time until she goes full chaos, maybe erebus gna pull the #trigger on tht :0 

                ♡    stress relief is being chaotic on the sims 4 and making sims only to like .. kill them off in a fire or have them fight because for a girl who can hold a grudge, she can’t handle irl confrontation

*  ╱  𝒔 𝒆 𝒄 𝒓 𝒆 𝒕

                ♡    so yeah like i mentioned earlier, miss robin kept getting rejected from internships and she really just Could Not Take It !! whoever said third time’s the charm is a Liar !!!

                ♡    long story short .. she’s ends up so frustrated .. so spiteful .. that she literally executes a DOS attack on the company that rejected her DSGSDSDKLG the server was down for almost a full day before coming back online, and she costed the company thousands of dollars in revenue

                ♡    she never spoke about it after the fact, she felt pretty disgusted of herself once she had realized what she had done .. a girl was having a crisis ! and she fucking hacked a whole ass company KLJDGSD her Power !! 

                ♡    robin’s not a complete fool, though, and she took the necessary precautions to make sure they couldn’t trace it back to her (but tbh it also could’ve just looked like their servers were overloaded n it was Their Mistake) but yea this gal hid her ip and the whole shebang !! she’s taken cybersecurity classes she knows what’s up !

                ♡    it’s been about two years since, but she is still haunted by what she did and the potential of getting caught keeps her up at night bc 1) she will go to jail and 2) her parents will Really never love her at this rate KLJDSGS

[legobatjoker]

ALSO ALSO ALSOO okay this is the thing i got tht im most excited abt i j didnt wanna like get to distracted talking abt it nd then forget all the other stuff FDGHDFHD but like !! we went to a bookstore at some point nd idk if any of my cousins got anything (tbh i think we all spent a lot of out time lamenting abt how we all wanted to get heartstopper but cldnt bc our parents wldnt let us if they saw it <//3 speaking of i need 2 watch tht show at some point ik its not the big new show anymore but iv heard its cute sm when it was so !!!) nd like my sibling got a book tht was like. an offcial diney book tht was like a retelling of beaty nd the beast were bells mother was the one tht cursed the beat? tbh i cldnt telll much abt it nd im supried tht thts like. an offical diney tihng but it does seem pretty cool nd i like wasnt meaning to get anything at first but i got this book called no big deal nd like at first i was like "oh i rly want this but idk if i shld get it :((" bc it was abt a fat protagonist nd like her dealing w body issues nd learning 2 be confident w her body nd stuff nd i didnt know how my mum wld react if she saw i bought it esp rn but its less of huge issue if it ended up like on my bookshelf or anything than if like tht happened w heatstopper nd i didnt have to tell her i got it if i just hid it in my bag when i got home so i bought it !!! one thing abt it tht i like i tihnk in my excitment didnt fully read on the blurb at first was tht it has like a romance which at first i was like "okay im prob gonna find those bits kinda annyoing but itll be fine" bc i feel kinda like ehh on wether ill enjoy a romance in smth or j find it annoying but i didnt im finding it rly cute so far !! tho like its more currently tht she just hasa crush on this guy but i still think its rly cute nd tbh like. okay i feel kinda dumb for being as into this book as much as i am nd for reading it like as soon as we had the chance to sit down somewere when we bought it bc i told myself tht like i was gonna have shadow and bone as the first book id read to get back into reading and like i think bc its a y/a romance (i wldnt even says its j abt the romance tho id the thing but it still is technically ig) i feel dumb abt reading it b4 shadow and bonei think bc i shld prob unfollow some ppl online bc i feel like theres tht attitude a lot on here thts like "y/a romance is STUPID nd ur only smart if u ready books tht are INTELLECTUAL and if u dont nd read y/a u shld be made fun of relentleslly!!!!1!!1!!" but i just realsied how stupid tht is bc like. its a y/a novel. its my age range. like im literally the same age as the protag so why wld its be dumb for me to read the book (also in general tht attitude is stupid nd i hate how needelssly judgy ppl are abt ppl just like. liking shit yk -_-) but ya im rly enjoying the book sm so far like ive been reading it sm today nd honestly thts like. what im like whenever i read even tho i havent been reading as much recently i still feel like whenever i do im reading the book every moment i can yk which i used to do a LOT when i was younger nd i was more into reading (but better this time bc im not reading h*rry p*tter FGFDFHD) (but also i was like tht both times i read the hunger games. man i need to reread those. ok im getting oftopic FDGDFHGDF) but ya the book is v v good so far i think im enjoying it a lot nd ya :] also i do think i rly wanna get back into reading after this i tihnk i will.. ya<3

WAIT THAT SOUNDS SO GOOD im so glad ur enjoying it and that the romance is good like. honestly i lovee a ya romance sm persoanlly althougj this book i think seems like more enjoyable like you said for the parts that arent the romance and are more ab the protag but the romance being cute has to be a plus yesh…. also yeah no that attitude is def stupid i feel like i mean. anything of any genre can be good or bad and ppl r just into diff genres.. like theres good ya and theres bad ya and even amongst the bad ya theres like enjoyable stuff… and then there r like good classics bad classics etc and it just depends on what u like to read. same thing w the whole fanfic-ruining-reading-comp discourse like fanfic is like any other medium where it can be rlly be good or really bad… anywayyy the point is that im really glad ur enjoying it it sounds rlly cool!!!